Tonight is the night of nights! After a season of watching Coach dole out besitos and tell his lady friends, “it’s okay,” the women of The Bachelor get to air their grievances/kvetch about the experience. Great day.
First we have to watch Chris Harrison talk to ex-Bachelor Sean and his new wife Catherine about losing his V-card (again) on his wedding night. Then there’s a weird bit where Chris chats with Miss Piggy and Kermit the Frog to promote the new Muppets movie…Then they dive into the good stuff. Sit back, pour yourself an extra-large glass of wine, and enjoy these classic moments from the best Bachelor episode of the season:
First off, Dog Lover brought her dog Molly because, totally appropriate. Cassandra on her heart-to-hearts with JP: “We tried to take the conversation deeper and it got weird.” Dog Lover, who will from now on be known as overzealous truth-teller: “Lauren you are acting completely different than you acted in the house. Coach were crying.” To be fair, we never knew how Lauren acted in the house because she had about 45 seconds of air time.
“He didn’t say 'Camilla' whenever he was in the ocean.” Dog Lover calling out Juan Pablo for using his daughter as an excuse whilst simultaneously employing our favorite euphemism for having all the sex. "It's hard to hear him call the moms 'my special ones' and I’m like what am I? Pardon my French, but...” Kat sharing her feelings about being not-so-special while neither cursing, nor speaking French. “I think he had a case of buyer’s remorse.” Sharleen delivering a burn about why Juan Pablo went for the slut-shaming tactic after "swimming in the ocean" with Claire.
After a sweet tongue montage of Sharleen and Juan Pablo's Bachelor times, Sharleen says, “I found him very curious,” of him wanting to get to know her better. Well, sure, he's curious about something. “Oh god,” Cassandra whispers, reacting to the lack of “cerebral connection” between Sharleen and Juan Pablo. Possibly because she realized she didn't have her iPhone on hand to google "cerebral." (But I do love Cassandra, truly.)
Coach factory outlet asks Sharleen if she's going to be able to contain herself when she finally sees JP after all this time: "Are there going to be any besitos? Are you going to be okay?” Sharleen is going to be okay. So are her fantastic eyebrows.
Fan favorite and most lovable contest Renee on her current dating life, “I’m in a situation that I’m very happy about. And that’s all I’m going to say, I don’t want to jinx it.” Cue all the awwws. A less aggressively ombré Andi, who has some fantastic eye makeup going on: “I think he thinks he was a very good bachelor." She then assures Chris Harrison, no she's not being sarcastic, Juan Pablo is actually that delusional, "No I actually think he thinks he was a very good bachelor."
On what went down in the Fantasy Suite, "I remember closing my eyes...I might have closed my eyes and been silent." Chris Harrison is all, yeah we've all been on dates like that and Andi is like, oh really, you've pretended to be asleep so you don't have to interact with your date in a hotel room in St. Lucia? "The things he said were inappropriate and rude, but he was never mean to me. He made me feel cheap… in no way do you tell someone you barely made it here...but he was never mean to me." Andi cuts Juan Pablo a little slack, because, bottom line, the dude just doesn't get it.